Living Recklessly

In today’s Jesus Calling I am stuck on one line, reading it over and over: If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me (Jesus) work through you.

I can’t help thinking of some of my most irresponsible friends and family members whose behavior seems anything but the responsible examples of what we are taught to be in church. For example, my biological father has had more run-ins with the law than I (or he) can count or recall in his younger days. When I say younger, let’s be honest, he is fifty-three and his last brush was three years ago. A great many of my childhood memories are haunted because of mistakes he made and took out on his family. We very much suffered for the sins of the father so to speak. However, he had his ‘Come to Jesus Moment’ about ten years ago, and he lives by faith every single day for his basic provisions. He pressure washes homes for a living and to do so, he’s knocking on doors every day and depending on the yes, no, or cursing out of strangers to put gas in his vehicle and find a way to eat for the day. I marvel at his reports on how God provided because he really is like a bird not storing away in barns but managing to eat every single day.

I am going through one of the worst legal battles concerning my children that I didn’t ask for, and my father keeps sharing stories of how even in his most disrespectful and doubting times, God came through and provided for him long before he gave his life over to the Lord. You might say, God loved him even when it wasn’t reciprocal. My dad shares with me how he all but pissed on the judge’s podium in his hearing, but how he afterward got thrown in the slammer by very angry cops and a woman paused when she was walking by as he lay on the floor and asked, “Mike? Is that you?”

He looked up at the female officer and nodded. He’d washed her house only two months before while wearing an I ❤ Jesus hat. Talk about hypocrisy, but is it? When we love Jesus, does it always mean we will act just as he acted, or that our love for him is contingent on our own behavior? If we mess up our relationship is all screwed up?

And there you have it. No. Because Jesus is forgiveness. Beyond which I can comprehend or understand. We know how we are supposed to behave, the example we are supposed to set, but God knows we are human and we are going to screw up for the fact that we aren’t Jesus and we aren’t perfect.

The female cop was able to get him out of jail in under one day because he’d been so nice to her at her house and had gone above and beyond in his work. At any other time, he may have looked like an out-of-control idiot who deserved to be behind bars for as long as they wanted just to get back at him for being such an asshole. Yes, I said it. Let’s call it like it is.

My father lives a reckless life at times, just as my friends who make thousands of dollars above their bills per month but seem to have a hard time paying them because of reckless spending, but when they see a need, they also fill it. They aren’t going out committing crimes or sinning away, but they definitely aren’t responsibly handling what they’ve been given for their basic provisions. They are spending it like they can’t take it with them… Hmmm… You might call them cheerful givers…

I’m fascinated by how God provides no matter their behavior. It’s almost as if Jesus and his angels are thrill seekers and get to enjoy the rush of coming through for those who believe no matter how they’ve screwed up or how recklessly they spend, God is going to provide.


DSoL Interview with Jase Taylor

Navy SEAL, accomplished musician, lover, fighter, up-all-nighter. Is there anything JASE TAYLOR‘s not good at?

I sat down with Jase (one of the stars in the upcoming tell-all series: Don’t Close Your Eyes) for some quality Q&A time at the local bar he’s a regular performer at to get to the bottom of these questions and the much-hushed explosion of recent news events he’s been intimately involved with.

DSoL: “First of all, the question that all of us lady fans have for you: You’re use to women swooning over you onstage, how do you handle all the attention and affection?” He laughs and peels at the label on his beer.

JT: “With a lot more grace than I used to, that’s for sure. I guess you could say the past couple [of] years have opened my eyes and helped me mature socially, emotionally and professionally.”

DSoL: “Speaking of profession, how do you go from Navy SEAL, to musician, to crime syndicate involvement?”

JT: “Very carefully.” He laughs. “Love got me in, and love got me out.”

DSoL: “Love- that’s an interesting word for a reputed ladies man of your caliber. Can you expand on that?”

JT: “Look, it’s clear you’re fishing for information on my involvement with Kinsley James. Just come right out with it. If you want me to confess that I loved her, then yes. I loved her then, I still love her now. You can love someone and not be IN love with them. And before you ask, yes I used to be in love with her.”

DSoL: “So what changed?”

JT: “When two hearts compete for one, all three end up broken.”

DSoL: “Are you referring to Keane Keller, Klive King or Adrian Miller?”

JT: “Look, there’s two types of girls: girls with girlfriends, and girls with guy friends. Kinsley’s a bit of a tomboy at heart and craves competition. Her track [and field] records are evidence of that. A lot of girls are threatened by her. Guys aren’t. They won’t treat her like she’s a snob for her ambition. If a dude is threatened, maybe he needs to be…”

Yikes. Subject change.

DSoL: “You’re a bit of legend in the Special Ops community, what’s your take on that label?”

JT: “Dunno about that. Sometimes silence contributes to the growth of legends. Did Davy Crockett really kill a bear when he was only 3? Was he really king of the wild frontier? Was he truly the last one standing at the Alamo?

“Funny how legends get bigger over time. Legends are born by people who think in the realm of the impossible. People would say the feats of Alexander and Patton were impossible until they did them. In the teams, the impossible is a daily occurrence. Ordinary men, extraordinary circumstances.”

DSoL: “It had to be pretty scary fighting the Taliban. What was that like?”

JT: “Everyone wants to hear fearless tales of heroism. Let me tell you right now, anyone who says they haven’t pissed their pants in combat is full of [bleep]. Not literally of course, but anyone who says they aren’t scared in combat is a liar no matter what their title or reputation. I bet even Davy Crockett was pissing his pants when he realized he wasn’t gonna leave the Alamo alive. But there again, his legend only grew even more.

“I think surviving combat is more heroic than dying in it due to the demons you live with everyday that are scarier than any flesh and blood enemy you face. They live on in your mind long after the enemy is dead.”

DSoL: “Do you think PTSD played a role in your post-military career?”

JT: “You mean Nightshade. Again. Just come out and ask. When the truth is declassified it will be an even bigger shocker. Things aren’t always what they seem to be. After everything, what’s another demon? I love a good fight.”

DSoL: “Speaking of demons and classified information, can you tell us why you were discharged from the SEALs?”

JT: “I’d still like to know that answer myself.”

DSoL: “Interesting. So you were never told why you were being removed from service?”

JT: “It’s still a sore subject. I love my country, I love my team and I was heartbroken to be removed from service. Who wants to be separated from their brothers.”

DSoL: “Speaking of brotherhood, you and Klive King seem to be as close as brothers. You’re always seen together-”

JT: “Yes, Klive is about as close as those I served with and we would die for one another. We’d also die for Kinsley, too. So before you ask me anything more, how about just defer to the story when it comes out. We were all three kind enough to share in how everything transpired. To take a line out of King’s book, I will say no more on the matter.”

I can tell I’ve upset him, so I ask one final light question.

DSoL: “I’ve heard you’ve got quite the comic book collection. Would you consider yourself more of a Superman or Clark Kent?”

His lips quirk, and I’m relieved.

JT: “Neither, I don’t have a kryptonite [anymore]. I’m more of a Punisher kind of guy. But I did find my Lois Lane. And I’ll just leave it at that.”




The Hypnotic World of DCYE

An assured interview with a star character in the Don’t Close Your Eyes series was placed on hold due to unexpected internet disconnection. On vacation in another state last week, I began the rough draft of my interview with Jase Taylor only to discover that there was no way to publish it.

Rather than throw the frustrating temper tantrum I felt at a situation beyond my control, I had an impulse I’d been running from as a scorned author facing a life she’d been forced to walk away from. Instead of turning on the TV for an escape, I grabbed my Kindle instead.

I’d already had a more than frustrating trip to Barnes and Noble to try to find the right kind of mysterious intrigue and noir romance I was seeking, but to my dismay, I left empty-handed and irritated. Where was the cure for what the repressed reader inside me was seeking?

There’d been another time I’d asked that question. Four years ago. Don’t Close Your Eyes was born from my frustration as a reader who was tired of reading paranormal series back and forth to get that dangerous romance fix. I was tired of predictable plots and mysteries I solved before being halfway through a book. In short, I’d grown as a reader, and I longed for intrigue and complexity that I could believe. I wanted twists and turns so great, even I, a reading detective couldn’t predict, but that would also be a joy to read. An adventure.

For the first time in over two years, I thumbed through my kindle while the rain poured outside the window. Every invitation was there. Klive and Kinsley sucked me into a world I thought I’d put away forever after really intense stalking issues from my previous stint as an author forced me into hiding.

I’m not an idiot. I’d written the story for my reader’s mind. MINE. I’d never intended to share. It was a fun read.

Others fell in love, too, but after two years of breaking, a copy editing certification, years of learning what I hadn’t known when I’d initially written it, I expected to cringe with disgust. In essence, I was facing a great fear of failure just opening it.

Five books later, I’m sucked into this hypnotic underworld of a story that seems so real, you come out of it and remind yourself that – oh, yeah, there’s life out there.

Jase Taylor’s interview has been re-scheduled for June 24th, and I am so excited. Between him, Klive, Kins, and the rest, I feel like I’m coming back into the presence of old friends I’ve missed for far too long. Fortunately, I know my readers will feel exactly the same way.

DSoL Interview with Klive King

Villain or Anti-Hero? 

When I arrive at the office of the very busy architectural problem solver, property investment specialist, Klive King, regards me with respectful indifference. He’s as handsome as the photos in the paper, and appears just as deceptive as the articles have let on.

I am five minutes late, and he checks his watch, then asks if I drove.
“Yes, I drove. I’m sorry for any inconvenience.”
“No inconvenience at all,” he tells me. He means it. He’s not condescending or annoyed. It’s a surprise, considering he’s dressed in a suit that could pay my rent for the next three months. “The traffic around lunch time is horrid. That’s why I prefer to walk, at least for lunch.”

I nod and take a seat across from him. The view of the bay is amazing. I get right to it.

DSoL: “Why here, Mr. King?”

King: It’s the single fastest growing area in the country. The surrounding suburbs are full of valuable property in need of repair. They’ll sell for triple what we purchase them for.

DSoL: “That’s not what I meant, but I think you probably knew that. It’s no secret that before you met Kinsley James, you were embroiled in a drug smuggling scandal that involved the syndicate and biker gang, Nightshade. In fact, it’s been circulating that you may have been a ring leader for years.”

His head tilts, and he smirks.
King: “Ring leader? That’s funny. How on Earth could I run a syndicate and manage this empire? Thank you for the credit, but you know I’m not allowed to discuss the facts surrounding an on-going investigation.”

DSoL: “Have you received any backlash from the plea deal you agreed to?”

King: “[That] Depends on the community you’re referring to. Here?” He gestures around the huge office. “Nothing more than surprise, but there have been those who judge. There will always be those who judge what they cannot understand. I’m fine with that. It’s not my prerogative to make them understand.”

I can tell he means it, and I don’t press when he avoids the portion dealing with Nightshade. I don’t want to ruin the interview, so I shift to the simple stuff.

DSoL: “Where are you from?”

King: “I am originally from London.”
His accent is very light, and he confesses that he’s trained the Cockney out of his system. “Not a soul in this office would be able to understand a thing I say,” he laughs. “Kinsley loves when my mum comes to visit, because she’s the only one of my family who tells everyone to shove it.” His eyes are resting on a framed photo of his wife. It makes for a clear and easy segue.

DSoL: “Tell me how you met Kinsley James?”

King: “I met her downstairs in the coffee shop by coincidence.”

DsoL: “Was it love at first sight?”

King: “If you’re asking if I loved the way she looked, of course, but there’s more to it than that. Sometimes, you just have a feeling about a person. [It] Feel’s like you’ve known them, and when you’re apart, it’s like they are missing. Hard to explain and not sound like a nancy, but I’m sure it makes sense.”

DSoL: “Your relationship was a secret for some time. Was that because she played hard to get?”

King: “Ha! Something like that. For a time, we weren’t what you would call friends. However, a wise man once told me, anything worth having is gathered the hard way. You take the best care of what you have to earn. I take excellent care of her.” He is smiling very bright. “The best part, is that she takes excellent care of me, also.”

DSoL: “She was involved with your best friend, Jase Taylor, for a brief time before going public with you. Did you two have an affair?”

His face has downshifts, and he looks at me like he’s disappointed. I’ve hit a nerve.
King: “No. If we’d had an affair, do you think we would all still be friends? Honestly…”

I look down at my notes and realize the weight of my next questions. I feel almost guilty for what I want to ask next.

DsoL: “Kinsley was kidnapped and nearly killed by someone you all knew very well. Was this a result of your ties to Nightshade?”

He glares and his face is hard, but he’s not angry with me for asking. He’s angry in general. Who wouldn’t be? Still, I can’t help how tense I feel at this moment.

King: “Yes and no. I cannot comment further. As I’ve told you, the investigation is still on-going and looks to be for some time. I will say that it was a very sharp betrayal. Kinsley has made monumental progress, and has started a career in assisting the victims of traumatic situations. I’m very proud of her.”

DsoL: “Have you killed anyone, or is that all rumor?”

King: “I have not been charged or convicted of any crimes. I make no apologies for the lives I had to take in order to spare Kinsley’s. I will say no more on the matter. I politely ask you to refrain from the subject.”

DSoL: “As you wish.” I steer the subject back to Kinsley, and the question I’ve been wanting to ask ever since I first read about this elusive bachelor finally courting someone. “You spent a long part of your life as a single man, was it because of Nightshade?”

King: “Yes.”

DsoL: “Did Kinsley know?”

King: “All right, this interview is over. You can find everything you need with the rest of the public when the book comes out.”

DsoL: “Wait, Mr. King. I’m sorry.” But he presses a button on his phone. I know security will be coming for me soon. “I can ask lighter questions. Your admirers just want to know how you are doing, what you’ve been up to, are you still doing humanitarian projects? Does Kinsley still run?” The questions are pouring out of me, and I sound desperate, but this is the first interview he’s agreed to since the near-death tragedy of his beloved last year.

King: “She still runs, yes. As for my supposed admirers? Look, humanitarian projects aside, I’m an honest man capable of evil things, I’ve done evil things I’m not proud of, but sometimes, to do right, you have to do wrong. Period.”

And there you have it. Mr. King was willing to allow me to keep what you read, but due to legal conflicts, I was forced to strike several interesting items from the record. Klive and Kinsley’s tell-all scandal will be featured in a series of novels entitled Don’t Close Your Eyes, release date pending.

For up to date information concerning this title, go to

Next Friday, June 9th, I sit down with Jase Taylor concerning his role in the upcoming series and the scandal that surrounds it. Until then, thank you.

Interview With the Dark

In addition to morsels on dealing with the trappings of pain, I am adding character interviews from my novels, and those of others, to my posts every Friday. If you have a suggestion for a character you have connected with in a novel, be it fiction or non-fiction, please contact me at to give me the information on said author.

I can’t make any promises, but I will try my hardest to reach out to them and query theirs and their character’s participation.

Tomorrow, June 2, I will be featuring an interview with Klive King from the novel series, Don’t Close Your Eyes. Klive is a very diverse character who was polite enough to agree to be interviewed after more than a year and a half of silence concerning life, love, and his involvement with Nightshade. Klive King teaser

The Price of Love

“But I don’t understand!”

I can’t tell you how many times that thought went through my head when I was sitting at the back of a classroom as a kid, and even now when I’m “adulting”. When you have Asperger’s Syndrome you can be brilliantly smart, yet also have a very hard time learning.

I didn’t know I was an Aspie back then. Heck, I didn’t even find out until a year and a half ago (I’m in my 30s now). I only knew I was different, and quickly realized that in order to mask it, I’d have to figure out what worked for me.

School felt like teachers supplying the material and the means for how most students went about solving a problem or structuring a sentence, blah, blah, blah. While that was happening, my mind was hard at work on the cluttered mass of puzzle pieces someone dumped on my desk. We all knew the teacher was likely to call on someone at some point. Putting those pieces together was like manic panic, a race to put the same picture together as the rest of the class so that I didn’t humiliate myself when, and if, she called on me. Sometimes, I nailed it; most times the latter was true.

I thought I was different and awkward and screwed up because of my home life. I was and wasn’t. There were a lot of factors against me and my perception of love and acceptance, failure and success. A life where love was freely given was my idea of success; where I could be accepted and loved for who I awkwardly was. I was always trying to pick apart and understand the minds of my peers, why they did things they did, and how they saw me. Could they see my effort to seem normal? I know they did. It made things worse. Could they see that I was hiding terrible secrets while pretending I had the luxury of growing up in a family that didn’t hurt each other with their friends who didn’t touch inappropriately?

They were normal to me because they didn’t have those things against them. Without realizing it, I’d drawn a line between them and me, building walls.

When I had kids of my own, it was the first time anything came naturally to me. It was a private conversation that I was fluent in. Each of my newborn babies loved and looked to me with unconditional love and trust. Something I was determined they’d never have to feel the pain of losing or paying a price for. It should be as freely given to them as they naturally gave the moment our eyes met.

As for me, I’ve found that love outside of my children (and my step daughter) isn’t so natural to accept at all. I have the best freak’n husband, and I don’t say that lightly. I’ve known bad relationships. Which is why when my fantastic, gentle, genuine man tells me he loves me, I think there must always be some sort of trick. We’ve been together for years, and he’s never given me reason to doubt him. The opposite, in fact.

A hurt person doesn’t accept love freely. No matter how positive I strive to be, I will always be a haunted and scarred version of who I was born to be. I’m skeptical when someone is kind. I have to find a quiet place to try and pick apart why he told me he loved me. Why he did this nice thing or bought me that. Couldn’t possibly be because he REALLY LOVES ME could it?! Because I feel these doubts and fears and have a hard time accepting it, does it make my husband’s love and words any less true? Hell no. It does, however, make for a frustrating companionship, when in reality, I have love like you read about in novels and dream of. The hardest part is acceptance. Here’s why:

According to, 1 in every 5 girls, and 1 in every 20 boys are victims of childhood sexual abuse. Three quarters of those were victimized by someone they knew. states that on average 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. That’s 1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men in their lifetime who have had these experiences. estimates that 1 in every 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, WILL BE sexually abused before the age of 18. That equates to one fifth of America’s youth and 20-25% of the population! Between two thirds and 90% (including me) never tell!

For more stats, you can visit any of these sites, and you can see it in person through the loss of connection and compassion in today’s youth and society. But what it ultimately says to me is that millions of men, women, and children are paying a steep price for love, whether they are being compliant to the wishes of someone’s selfish perverted desires, or some bully holding them hostage in their own lives. When you consider that around 30% of victims will go on to victimize others? Ugh.

We live in a society that once preached free love but went on to cross boundaries and love freely whomever they wanted, including children! Hypocrisy at its most dangerous and damaging, so it should be no surprise that when someone shares the sacrifice of Jesus, (yes, here’s the spiritual part) it’s almost absurd to imagine!

“Okay, but I don’t understand! What does he want from me? What’s the catch? How much money do I have to give? Will this require fellowship with people I feel out of place with? Will they single me out? Lay hands on me and say a bunch of words interrupted by a crap ton of ‘father Gods’ or ‘Lord Jesuses’ over and over? How many Hail Mary’s do I have to say to be accepted and loved? What’s in it for me? What does it cost???

The answer is: nothing. It’s free to you if you want it. The only requirement is for you to accept the only truly free love you can ever know. It won’t hurt you. It doesn’t expect anything of you. People do. Ever read the passage in Corinthians on love? Yep. That’s for you. For free.

Now, if someone hands me this beautiful present, and I have no idea who they are? Sorry, I’m gonna have to pass. That’s dangerous. Well played Satan. I can’t accept candy or kindness from strangers these days, dontcha know!

Why Jesus is a stranger is another topic for another day, because I’ve gotten way longer than intended already. Sorry, not sorry.

The gift is free. It’s safe. There aren’t any rituals or gimmicks required to open it. You can puzzle over it and pick it apart the way I spoke of waaaay up there in the beginning of this. It’s okay to be cautious, and you have a right to be after what you’ve been through. You don’t have to understand why it’s free or why a spiritual being would take on the form of a human, confining himself to Earthen weaknesses and limitations. You don’t have to understand why he would choose to walk among the living just to die a horrid death so you could be saved. It’s okay not to understand it, because that comes in time. You don’t have to believe you are loved to make it true. It’s true whether you believe it or not. You are skeptical. That’s okay.

You don’t even have to open the gift. You can leave it on your doorstep, push it away with a stick to keep a safe distance. Watch it to make sure there isn’t a bomb or some sort of chemical inside that’s gonna hurt you. Just realize it exists and it’s available when you’re ready to open it and receive what’s inside. You may find some healing powers in there! =D

But wait! There’s more! Act in the next five minutes, and we’ll throw in as many additional gifts as you like for your friends and family! 😛

Couldn’t resist. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a trooper! Have a blessed day, this was for you.

What is the dark side of light?

The dark side of light is my way of saying that I am what you’d call a controversial Christian. I have repeatedly been told I have an intriguing dichotomy in that I don’t come off the way most Christians do: holy roller, Bible thumper, wholesome. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t frustrating that I apparently have a certain image to uphold. The truth is, I’m human. I’ve endured an early childhood of sexual abuse, divorce, and domestic violence. I’ve seen the darkest sides of those who portray themselves as light and holy, and I hate the hypocrisy both inside and outside of churches.

Therefore, welcome to the Dark Side of Light: my refusal to pretend to be anything other than who I am. I love Jesus. I’m bipartisan, but do not care to discuss politics or contribute to the hatred and unnecessary BS that makes up the U.S. Quite frankly, I believe in right and wrong, but also that there are some gray areas.

I also write novels and stories about the hypocrisy and dichotomy of characters who believe the misconceptions they paint themselves with. We live in a dark world, and there are pretty bright happy spots. I will blog about both, I won’t shy away from using scripture where I feel led to, and I will not make apologies for standing firm in the effed up mess God loves me as. Chances are, you are also an effed up mess or pretending you don’t feel like it from time to time. Welcome. Jesus loves you 😉 =D =P. True story.